Today I had a question about one of my projects as it had contradictory information so I tried to ask the boss. He snapped about how he could only do one thing at a time and stormed off, it was really quite bizarre for him. Instead of blowing the whole thing off as being the behavior of a stressed individual I internalized it. I keep doing this, I become fearful of my job, I start feeling like a failure. I start feeling like every harsh glance, sarcastic comment is a stab at mean. A raised voice is a sign of disappointment and irritation at my deficiencies. This internal conflict starts to lead to the desire for real conflict. The internal feeling of pain leads to the desire for real physical pain. I want something I can control or something I can respond to. I want someone to just start beating me, I want to crash my car into a wall, I want my brains painted on the wall. I know a lot of these feelings comes from hormonal issues I'm having right now (returning to pre-transition levels) but it feels so real, and my mind finds real reason to justify these thoughts.
After this felling subsides my mind wonders about running away. I wonder how I can survive at my office when I already feel like a black sheep. I think about how much I can't tolerate the family bullcrap going on, I think about how little healthcare options I have here. I start getting the feeling that my friends think I'm a freak, that they've given up on me. I feel like I need a new start, and I don't want to explain myself, I don't want to say goodbye. I just want to go.
Someday I'm sure it'll come to that, well at least to the moving and the change. It doesn't make sense quite yet. I'm sure when I do go it'll be with more grace then simply running away, I'm sure I would keep in touch with friends and say goodbye to everyone. But right now, this minute I just care about me, and I want all my pain to go away.
