Maybe I'm all messed up...

Today I had a question about one of my projects as it had contradictory information so I tried to ask the boss.  He snapped about how he could only do one thing at a time and stormed off, it was really quite bizarre for him.  Instead of blowing the whole thing off as being the behavior of a stressed individual I internalized it.  I keep doing this, I become fearful of my job, I start feeling like a failure.  I start feeling like every harsh glance, sarcastic comment is a stab at mean.  A raised voice is a sign of disappointment and irritation at my deficiencies.  This internal conflict starts to lead to the desire for real conflict.  The internal feeling of pain leads to the desire for real physical pain.  I want something I can control or something I can respond to.  I want someone to just start beating me, I want to crash my car into a wall, I want my brains painted on the wall.  I know a lot of these feelings comes from hormonal issues I'm having right now (returning to pre-transition levels) but it feels so real, and my mind finds real reason to justify these thoughts.  

After this felling subsides my mind wonders about running away.  I wonder how I can survive at my office when I already feel like a black sheep.  I think about how much I can't tolerate the family bullcrap going on, I think about how little healthcare options I have here.  I start getting the feeling that my friends think I'm a freak, that they've given up on me.  I feel like I need a new start, and I don't want to explain myself, I don't want to say goodbye.  I just want to go.  

Someday I'm sure it'll come to that, well at least to the moving and the change.  It doesn't make sense quite yet.  I'm sure when I do go it'll be with more grace then simply running away, I'm sure I would keep in touch with friends and say goodbye to everyone.  But right now, this minute I just care about me, and I want all my pain to go away.

Into the Wild

I watched Into the Wild the other night and it got me thinking about my life, like any good movie should.  Unlike many Alaskans I wasn't focused on how stupid he was to go into the wilderness unprepared, the family thing is what got me.  Like over the last few years I've sorta treated my family like crap and really felt I would be better without them in my life.  They aren't terrible people, I just feel terrible when I'm around them.  I'm torn between my desire not to cause them pain and not to be in pain myself, I mean I do care for them.

What really disturbed were some of the similarities in the story, the other brother and family he was never told about, the behavior of his parents when threatening divorce, the scrutiny in regards to education their ideas about what it means to be successful, the resentment at be offered more stuff, the desire to just drop everything and leave, the feeling I'm not living a real life.

While I've had the sense not to drop everything I often feel like its just a step away, I suppose many people do though.  A big part of it for me is wanting to escape the expectations that my family and co-workers have about me, the idea that if I come out they'll turn on me, be disgusted by me, feel lied to, etc.  In absence of familiar faces its really quite simple to change yourself, no one questions "why aren't you being yourself", you just get to be your normal self.  If your constantly on the move meeting new people you always get to be yourself.  That I suppose is the romance of what he was doing.

Casting off all people from his life I believe ultimately led to his demise.  I mean everyone needs saving at some point, even if it is little ways.  If your living alone in the wild no one gives you time off for being sick, no one brings you soup, no one is there to comfort you.  Even the people on the street who have difficulty living in society live together, the may spend time alone but there is a community.  I do think its dangerous to assume that there is Mr/Ms Right out there that will complete your life and make your problems go away, it also seems equally dangerous to think you can do it all alone.

As I'm running out of things to say, I'll close with this "We're all in this togeather."