Fatalism

I was driving home today, faster then I should have and thinking that maybe, just maybe I'd hit a patch of ice smack into a light pole and that'd be the end of me. I wasn't really wishing for it but rather felt quite indifferent to the possibility. On one hand it would probably be the least painful solution to my problems on the other hand it would be the most permanant. Anyways I thought about this and realized many years prior I had been on the exact same road, about the same time of year, and slid into a lightpole, only a few inches further and I would have died instantly. Instead I got a few staples and went on to live another decade. Anyways driving down this road I almost wondered if I was fated to die that day, and had just been living on borrowed time. There is so much of my life from then that still doesn't feel resolved. Maybe my life is on hold because I wasn't meant to go on. (I know how psychotic this sounds but honestly I'm not taking it that seriously, just musing).

I wish I had a fairly godmother or just someone who could give me a roadmap to my life. Do this, this and this and this what your life will be like. I want a coach, I want someone who actually knows more then I do. I'm sick of clueless doctors and shrinks, I'm sick of their inability to read. I'm sick of the disgust professionals have towards DIY and sick of their ability to care. But mostly I'm just tired of it all.

This post has become the sort of rant I was hoping to avoid but I'm posting it anyways.