Fatalism

I was driving home today, faster then I should have and thinking that maybe, just maybe I'd hit a patch of ice smack into a light pole and that'd be the end of me. I wasn't really wishing for it but rather felt quite indifferent to the possibility. On one hand it would probably be the least painful solution to my problems on the other hand it would be the most permanant. Anyways I thought about this and realized many years prior I had been on the exact same road, about the same time of year, and slid into a lightpole, only a few inches further and I would have died instantly. Instead I got a few staples and went on to live another decade. Anyways driving down this road I almost wondered if I was fated to die that day, and had just been living on borrowed time. There is so much of my life from then that still doesn't feel resolved. Maybe my life is on hold because I wasn't meant to go on. (I know how psychotic this sounds but honestly I'm not taking it that seriously, just musing).

I wish I had a fairly godmother or just someone who could give me a roadmap to my life. Do this, this and this and this what your life will be like. I want a coach, I want someone who actually knows more then I do. I'm sick of clueless doctors and shrinks, I'm sick of their inability to read. I'm sick of the disgust professionals have towards DIY and sick of their ability to care. But mostly I'm just tired of it all.

This post has become the sort of rant I was hoping to avoid but I'm posting it anyways.

Quick Homemade Spaghetti

I stayed at work late tonight, when I got home I was hungry but not in the mood to cook something fancy.  So I put some water in a pot and some tomato sauce on the side and made some spaghetti.  I did something strange and threw some pepperoni in, its not a particularly great way to make sauce but I did it anyways.  I remembered the only times I had spaghetti this way was in college.  I'd go down to the dorm kitchen with friends, we'd often make spaghetti, we'd throw some bread in the oven or maybe bake some cookies.  We'd all go out shopping together, go for drives and road trips to Yellowstone.  We had this relationship for several years, then it all came crashing down.  I don't know if it was because I came out or because of my worsening depression but when I came out it all ended.  I assumed weirdness would happen but it just ended, no answers to the phone, at the door, I was avoided like the plague.  I threw out a couple of peace offerings months later and never heard from her again.  We never got into a fight, never got a letter, never talked about what was going on.  It was all just over.  It hurt me for a long time and I was mostly over it, then I made this spaghetti.

NCARB

So I got the NCARB (National Council of Architectural Registration Board) newsletter yesterday and wow is it irritating.  Before I go into all that I'll give a brief summary of what NCARB is.  To get a architecture license in nearly every state one must create a record with NCARB and starting in July any experience not reported in 6 months will not be counted.  Before being allowed to take the registration exams  3 years worth of experience must be logged and accepted.  Fees have to be paid to create and maintain the record, fees must be paid to take the exams, this ranges in the thousands of dollars.

Now the newsletter.  The cover has picture of a compass pointing towards the word Integrity, below is the title "Defining Your Moral Compass".  I'm paying loads of fees someone can tell me to be ethical... great.  Inside it discusses the importance for participants in IDP (Internship Development Program) to "demonstrate their moral maturity by adhering to rules established for education, internship and examination."   Do I really need someone telling me that its wrong to break the rules, that I could be punished for breaking the rules.  Can an organization really make someone "morally mature"?

Next it goes on to discuss the importance of maintaining the integrity of the ARE (Architectural Registration Exam).  How most people are following the rules but others compromising the exam be talking about it in online chat rooms!  Okay the rules of the exam state not to do this, but seriously is this problem really going to cause unqualified people to get a license?  Think about the extent of lies people would have to get away with to sneak into the profession of architecture:

-They would have to cheat their way through a minimum of 5 years of architecture school including a review to get into a masters program and then again to be awarded a degree.

-They would have to falsify a minimum of 3 years of working experience

This would probably put them at about 26 years old.  

-If they had not been caught at this point they would have to pass a review of their falsified experience and education.

-The review would take a few months to complete, and lets say a year till they cheat their way through all of the exams (some 12 exams that require people to solve actual problems and do actual designs, I'd image no amount of cheat sheets would help with that)

They are now 27, and have completed IDP and the ARE, but they are not done yet.  They must complete any additional requirements the state has and pass a review by the state licensing board.  By this time they are about 28, they would have spent a decade cheating.  Cheating without getting caught.

I'm sure its more probable that people cheat a little bit here a little bit there.  I'm sure much more of it is people not paying accurate attention to their hours.  An example of cheating: I spent about a week doing specs, and another 4 weeks on construction documents this month.  What is actually required: On the 1st I spend 3o minutes doing specifications, on the 2nd I spend 45 minutes on construction documents, etc.  Everyone must do this daily for at least 3 years.

Now what am I getting at.  It is extremely unlikely that particularly unqualified people are getting a license and causing a risk to public safety.  Yet the rules keep getting more stringent, the process has become increasingly more expensive and complicated, and I'm getting newsletters trying to convince me what a problem it is.  Its irritating.

Maybe I'm all messed up...

Today I had a question about one of my projects as it had contradictory information so I tried to ask the boss.  He snapped about how he could only do one thing at a time and stormed off, it was really quite bizarre for him.  Instead of blowing the whole thing off as being the behavior of a stressed individual I internalized it.  I keep doing this, I become fearful of my job, I start feeling like a failure.  I start feeling like every harsh glance, sarcastic comment is a stab at mean.  A raised voice is a sign of disappointment and irritation at my deficiencies.  This internal conflict starts to lead to the desire for real conflict.  The internal feeling of pain leads to the desire for real physical pain.  I want something I can control or something I can respond to.  I want someone to just start beating me, I want to crash my car into a wall, I want my brains painted on the wall.  I know a lot of these feelings comes from hormonal issues I'm having right now (returning to pre-transition levels) but it feels so real, and my mind finds real reason to justify these thoughts.  

After this felling subsides my mind wonders about running away.  I wonder how I can survive at my office when I already feel like a black sheep.  I think about how much I can't tolerate the family bullcrap going on, I think about how little healthcare options I have here.  I start getting the feeling that my friends think I'm a freak, that they've given up on me.  I feel like I need a new start, and I don't want to explain myself, I don't want to say goodbye.  I just want to go.  

Someday I'm sure it'll come to that, well at least to the moving and the change.  It doesn't make sense quite yet.  I'm sure when I do go it'll be with more grace then simply running away, I'm sure I would keep in touch with friends and say goodbye to everyone.  But right now, this minute I just care about me, and I want all my pain to go away.

Into the Wild

I watched Into the Wild the other night and it got me thinking about my life, like any good movie should.  Unlike many Alaskans I wasn't focused on how stupid he was to go into the wilderness unprepared, the family thing is what got me.  Like over the last few years I've sorta treated my family like crap and really felt I would be better without them in my life.  They aren't terrible people, I just feel terrible when I'm around them.  I'm torn between my desire not to cause them pain and not to be in pain myself, I mean I do care for them.

What really disturbed were some of the similarities in the story, the other brother and family he was never told about, the behavior of his parents when threatening divorce, the scrutiny in regards to education their ideas about what it means to be successful, the resentment at be offered more stuff, the desire to just drop everything and leave, the feeling I'm not living a real life.

While I've had the sense not to drop everything I often feel like its just a step away, I suppose many people do though.  A big part of it for me is wanting to escape the expectations that my family and co-workers have about me, the idea that if I come out they'll turn on me, be disgusted by me, feel lied to, etc.  In absence of familiar faces its really quite simple to change yourself, no one questions "why aren't you being yourself", you just get to be your normal self.  If your constantly on the move meeting new people you always get to be yourself.  That I suppose is the romance of what he was doing.

Casting off all people from his life I believe ultimately led to his demise.  I mean everyone needs saving at some point, even if it is little ways.  If your living alone in the wild no one gives you time off for being sick, no one brings you soup, no one is there to comfort you.  Even the people on the street who have difficulty living in society live together, the may spend time alone but there is a community.  I do think its dangerous to assume that there is Mr/Ms Right out there that will complete your life and make your problems go away, it also seems equally dangerous to think you can do it all alone.

As I'm running out of things to say, I'll close with this "We're all in this togeather."

In God's Hands

"If they call an audible on me, and if they say they want me in another position, I'm going to do it. ... My life is in God's hands. If he's got doors open for me, that I believe are in our state's best interest, the nation's best interest, I'm going to go through those doors." Sarah Palin

"My life is in God's hands." While many people in the world probably feel the same way about their lives I think she puts it in a context that is far less common and far more dangerous.  If she runs for senate it won't be a CHOICE she makes it will be because its god's will.  Since she will be serving god's will she is no longer responsible for her actions, god will be.  This is the same reason suicide bombers justify the slaughter of innocent people including children, because its the will of god.

Most sensible people are guided through life by their conscience and by logic.  They make good and bad choices, and hopefully they'll learn from them.  When you are simply following orders there is no potential for learning or self-reflection.  If someone is harmed by your action you don't need to take responsibility because it was the will of god.

Consumption Problem

So I was emailed one of those "How many worlds would it take if everyone lived like you" surveys, and I was like wow it would take 3-4 world to support my fat ass.  I don't pay THAT much attention to how sustainable I'm being, but I'm probably living a more moderate life then most people who read blogs.  Then I heard from another couple people who really try to be "green" and say they could only get down to 3 worlds and then I stopped feeling guilty and was like WTF.

So living sustainable doesn't work for people who really work at it, so whats the problem?  I started with the basic calculation [Lifestyle x Global population(6,700,000,000)] = # of Earths needed.

Like Al pointed out we only have one planet, so our resources are fixed.  The greenies are having trouble getting their consumption down which leaves one variable few people are talking about changing, the population.  See the world has a reproduction problem, not a consumption problem.  To justify this statement lets go in the way back machine to 1950.  In 1950 the worlds population was around 2,521,000,000.  Running our calculation again we see that with a few minor adjustments to lifestyle we could live with only one earth (ie better fuel efficiency or recycling or eating more local foods, etc) if we had the same population.

In 60 years our population has skyrocketed by over 250%.   So someone living a sustainable lifestyle in 1950 would need to live with 40% of what they had today.

In 2050 at the current rate of growth they would need to live with 25% of what they had.  Just a thought.