Maybe I'm all messed up...

Today I had a question about one of my projects as it had contradictory information so I tried to ask the boss.  He snapped about how he could only do one thing at a time and stormed off, it was really quite bizarre for him.  Instead of blowing the whole thing off as being the behavior of a stressed individual I internalized it.  I keep doing this, I become fearful of my job, I start feeling like a failure.  I start feeling like every harsh glance, sarcastic comment is a stab at mean.  A raised voice is a sign of disappointment and irritation at my deficiencies.  This internal conflict starts to lead to the desire for real conflict.  The internal feeling of pain leads to the desire for real physical pain.  I want something I can control or something I can respond to.  I want someone to just start beating me, I want to crash my car into a wall, I want my brains painted on the wall.  I know a lot of these feelings comes from hormonal issues I'm having right now (returning to pre-transition levels) but it feels so real, and my mind finds real reason to justify these thoughts.  

After this felling subsides my mind wonders about running away.  I wonder how I can survive at my office when I already feel like a black sheep.  I think about how much I can't tolerate the family bullcrap going on, I think about how little healthcare options I have here.  I start getting the feeling that my friends think I'm a freak, that they've given up on me.  I feel like I need a new start, and I don't want to explain myself, I don't want to say goodbye.  I just want to go.  

Someday I'm sure it'll come to that, well at least to the moving and the change.  It doesn't make sense quite yet.  I'm sure when I do go it'll be with more grace then simply running away, I'm sure I would keep in touch with friends and say goodbye to everyone.  But right now, this minute I just care about me, and I want all my pain to go away.

Into the Wild

I watched Into the Wild the other night and it got me thinking about my life, like any good movie should.  Unlike many Alaskans I wasn't focused on how stupid he was to go into the wilderness unprepared, the family thing is what got me.  Like over the last few years I've sorta treated my family like crap and really felt I would be better without them in my life.  They aren't terrible people, I just feel terrible when I'm around them.  I'm torn between my desire not to cause them pain and not to be in pain myself, I mean I do care for them.

What really disturbed were some of the similarities in the story, the other brother and family he was never told about, the behavior of his parents when threatening divorce, the scrutiny in regards to education their ideas about what it means to be successful, the resentment at be offered more stuff, the desire to just drop everything and leave, the feeling I'm not living a real life.

While I've had the sense not to drop everything I often feel like its just a step away, I suppose many people do though.  A big part of it for me is wanting to escape the expectations that my family and co-workers have about me, the idea that if I come out they'll turn on me, be disgusted by me, feel lied to, etc.  In absence of familiar faces its really quite simple to change yourself, no one questions "why aren't you being yourself", you just get to be your normal self.  If your constantly on the move meeting new people you always get to be yourself.  That I suppose is the romance of what he was doing.

Casting off all people from his life I believe ultimately led to his demise.  I mean everyone needs saving at some point, even if it is little ways.  If your living alone in the wild no one gives you time off for being sick, no one brings you soup, no one is there to comfort you.  Even the people on the street who have difficulty living in society live together, the may spend time alone but there is a community.  I do think its dangerous to assume that there is Mr/Ms Right out there that will complete your life and make your problems go away, it also seems equally dangerous to think you can do it all alone.

As I'm running out of things to say, I'll close with this "We're all in this togeather."

In God's Hands

"If they call an audible on me, and if they say they want me in another position, I'm going to do it. ... My life is in God's hands. If he's got doors open for me, that I believe are in our state's best interest, the nation's best interest, I'm going to go through those doors." Sarah Palin

"My life is in God's hands." While many people in the world probably feel the same way about their lives I think she puts it in a context that is far less common and far more dangerous.  If she runs for senate it won't be a CHOICE she makes it will be because its god's will.  Since she will be serving god's will she is no longer responsible for her actions, god will be.  This is the same reason suicide bombers justify the slaughter of innocent people including children, because its the will of god.

Most sensible people are guided through life by their conscience and by logic.  They make good and bad choices, and hopefully they'll learn from them.  When you are simply following orders there is no potential for learning or self-reflection.  If someone is harmed by your action you don't need to take responsibility because it was the will of god.

Consumption Problem

So I was emailed one of those "How many worlds would it take if everyone lived like you" surveys, and I was like wow it would take 3-4 world to support my fat ass.  I don't pay THAT much attention to how sustainable I'm being, but I'm probably living a more moderate life then most people who read blogs.  Then I heard from another couple people who really try to be "green" and say they could only get down to 3 worlds and then I stopped feeling guilty and was like WTF.

So living sustainable doesn't work for people who really work at it, so whats the problem?  I started with the basic calculation [Lifestyle x Global population(6,700,000,000)] = # of Earths needed.

Like Al pointed out we only have one planet, so our resources are fixed.  The greenies are having trouble getting their consumption down which leaves one variable few people are talking about changing, the population.  See the world has a reproduction problem, not a consumption problem.  To justify this statement lets go in the way back machine to 1950.  In 1950 the worlds population was around 2,521,000,000.  Running our calculation again we see that with a few minor adjustments to lifestyle we could live with only one earth (ie better fuel efficiency or recycling or eating more local foods, etc) if we had the same population.

In 60 years our population has skyrocketed by over 250%.   So someone living a sustainable lifestyle in 1950 would need to live with 40% of what they had today.

In 2050 at the current rate of growth they would need to live with 25% of what they had.  Just a thought.

Assaulted because of Palin

So there is story out know about a college student who was assaulted by a group of black women because of her support Palin.  You can read about here.  I'm not going to doubt the truth of this story or get into the details about it, young college folk can be moronic and this activity has occurred often enough in the other direction.  Which is what kinda pisses me off.  I'm trying to sort out this "cry me a fucking river" feeling with the reality that it was a really awful thing to do to someone.

The conclusion I've come to is that so many more people I know have gone through so much worse then what was done to her and no one really cared.  I'm reminded of all these things:  The scar I have across my arm when folks in my dorm tried to shave my head.  The time I blacked out from being strangled.  It sucks but no one cared.  The guy I knew who was relocated to another dorm because it was easier then removing everyone who threatened and assault him for being gay.  Another transgendered friend was framed for stealing from a family that were suspected in the disappearance (murder) of their lesbian friends.  The judge even said he knew the accusers were lying but he couldn't do anything.  Another had to drop out of school after being accused of domestic violence in Seattle, because he and a friend were horsing around and the police called it domestic violence since they were in drag (they were straight and friends).  A trans-friend who was denied a letter of recommendation for veterinary school despite her completion of the pre-vet program because she may take a space from a more worthy candidate.  A professor who advocates eugenics in regards to homosexuals, who wouldn't respond or visit with openly gay students.  There are more, much much more, and aside from the police blotter no one really cared.

So when it makes national attention that this girl got pushed into a wall for supporting Palin, I kinda wonder where all the reporters were when all this crap, was happening in Montana.  Where were all these reporters when these people were getting their lives permanently fucked with?  It sucks this girl got beaten up, but the reality is that the other girls probably would have found another reason to beat her up if thats the kind of people they are.

I really don't believe there is a systematic hatred and culture of violence against conservatives.  Certainly not to that extent that it is towards the GLBT community.  Regardless I hope that this experience helps the people "on the other side" to realize how much this type of behavior hurts people.

Obama is here!

Today I visited Barak Obama's transition page and gave the folks my 2 cents.  If your not aware they create a website where you can can tell them what direction you want the country to head, I guess he didn't assume that getting elected meant he had a mandate to pursue all their policies.  Maybe this is just a hollow effort to make us feel like we are being heard, but really even that is an improvement from the administration that we've had.  That said when I wrote to his campaign during the primary wondering what his stance was on trans-rights were they actually addressed some of them in their issues section which was kinda cool.  Anyways you should check it out http://change.gov/page/s/yourvision

First Post!

So I finally decided to start a blog separate from my social networking activities.  Actually I decided to do this a while ago but never really got passed the signing up on blogger part. Anyways the first blog...

Today I got my first set of Netflix films.  I watched the Last Kind of Scotland with the idea I'd do some paperwork on the side.  Well it didn't really work out, the movie was quite good and got me really interested.  It follows a fictional scottish doctor who befriends Idi Amin during his rise to power only to discover Amin is completely paranoid and inhuman.  Forest Whitaker does a great job coming off as friendly and likable with his amazing smile early in the film, only to reveal that he is a completely terrifying, unpredictable dictator.  Most of the movie was fairly easy watching, it didn't shove the brutality in your face, rather it served as a backdrop for their relationship.  It wasn't till the end that your really confronted with his inhumanity, and by confronted I mean I nearly vomited.

Now I'm watching half watching The Shining while I finish my paperwork and start this blog. Gabby is sitting in front of the giant television watching intently "do you know what shining is?".  I guess the poor girl didn't much exposure to Kubrick while living with the Mannions.