Fatalism

I was driving home today, faster then I should have and thinking that maybe, just maybe I'd hit a patch of ice smack into a light pole and that'd be the end of me. I wasn't really wishing for it but rather felt quite indifferent to the possibility. On one hand it would probably be the least painful solution to my problems on the other hand it would be the most permanant. Anyways I thought about this and realized many years prior I had been on the exact same road, about the same time of year, and slid into a lightpole, only a few inches further and I would have died instantly. Instead I got a few staples and went on to live another decade. Anyways driving down this road I almost wondered if I was fated to die that day, and had just been living on borrowed time. There is so much of my life from then that still doesn't feel resolved. Maybe my life is on hold because I wasn't meant to go on. (I know how psychotic this sounds but honestly I'm not taking it that seriously, just musing).

I wish I had a fairly godmother or just someone who could give me a roadmap to my life. Do this, this and this and this what your life will be like. I want a coach, I want someone who actually knows more then I do. I'm sick of clueless doctors and shrinks, I'm sick of their inability to read. I'm sick of the disgust professionals have towards DIY and sick of their ability to care. But mostly I'm just tired of it all.

This post has become the sort of rant I was hoping to avoid but I'm posting it anyways.

Maybe I'm all messed up...

Today I had a question about one of my projects as it had contradictory information so I tried to ask the boss.  He snapped about how he could only do one thing at a time and stormed off, it was really quite bizarre for him.  Instead of blowing the whole thing off as being the behavior of a stressed individual I internalized it.  I keep doing this, I become fearful of my job, I start feeling like a failure.  I start feeling like every harsh glance, sarcastic comment is a stab at mean.  A raised voice is a sign of disappointment and irritation at my deficiencies.  This internal conflict starts to lead to the desire for real conflict.  The internal feeling of pain leads to the desire for real physical pain.  I want something I can control or something I can respond to.  I want someone to just start beating me, I want to crash my car into a wall, I want my brains painted on the wall.  I know a lot of these feelings comes from hormonal issues I'm having right now (returning to pre-transition levels) but it feels so real, and my mind finds real reason to justify these thoughts.  

After this felling subsides my mind wonders about running away.  I wonder how I can survive at my office when I already feel like a black sheep.  I think about how much I can't tolerate the family bullcrap going on, I think about how little healthcare options I have here.  I start getting the feeling that my friends think I'm a freak, that they've given up on me.  I feel like I need a new start, and I don't want to explain myself, I don't want to say goodbye.  I just want to go.  

Someday I'm sure it'll come to that, well at least to the moving and the change.  It doesn't make sense quite yet.  I'm sure when I do go it'll be with more grace then simply running away, I'm sure I would keep in touch with friends and say goodbye to everyone.  But right now, this minute I just care about me, and I want all my pain to go away.

Obama is here!

Today I visited Barak Obama's transition page and gave the folks my 2 cents.  If your not aware they create a website where you can can tell them what direction you want the country to head, I guess he didn't assume that getting elected meant he had a mandate to pursue all their policies.  Maybe this is just a hollow effort to make us feel like we are being heard, but really even that is an improvement from the administration that we've had.  That said when I wrote to his campaign during the primary wondering what his stance was on trans-rights were they actually addressed some of them in their issues section which was kinda cool.  Anyways you should check it out http://change.gov/page/s/yourvision